


Haikus Illegal in Several States

by thenewbuzwuzz



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Community: seasonal_spuffy, Crack Treated Seriously, Crimes & Criminals, Episode: s04e09 Something Blue, F/M, Haiku, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 18:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17391710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenewbuzwuzz/pseuds/thenewbuzwuzz
Summary: Set during Something Blue. Spike plans the honeymoon... in verse.





	Haikus Illegal in Several States

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stuffandnonsense](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuffandnonsense/gifts).



> This was a Hidden Gems Secret Santa gift for stuffandnonsense, who [asked](http://spuffygems.boards.net/post/157/thread) for a series of interconnected haiku. Originally posted on [Seasonal Spuffy](https://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com) for the Winter Solstice Free-for-All 2018.
> 
> I set my string of Spuffy haiku in Something Blue, because it's not like [that](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mere_ubu/pseuds/mere_ubu) has been done before and excellently...
> 
> Many thanks to thewiggins for awesome beta help!

 

 

“Fix me!” he begs the  
campus lawn in vain, right in  
front of the Slayer.  
  
Can't even deck her  
as she drags him by the ear  
to Scooby Central.  
  
Bodies thrumming like  
bows, they shoot sharp words across  
the space of a breath.  
  
Oh, the things he wants  
to do to her! Illegal,  
in several states.  
  
Premeditated  
murder, granted, would be a  
no-no everywhere.  
  
Shredding the remains  
with his bare hands, though – not sure  
there’s a law for that.  
  
She has it coming.  
Whatever they leashed him with  
can’t last all that long.  
  
Then he’ll – where was he? –  
marry her! With fake papers,  
‘cause he’s evil, see.  
  
***  
  
Parted by cruel  
shop errand, he skims Watcher's  
stash of old  _Playboys_.  
  
Some good short stories,  
_Playboy_ used to print for the  
discerning reader.  
  
What's this, then? “A List  
of the Weirdest Sex Laws in  
the United States”?  
  
The thing about laws:  
no biting doesn’t mean he  
can’t be Bad, Bigly.  
  
He fought the law, and  
it broke him, but he can still  
break it in return.  
  
Yes, time to plan the  
honeymoon, soon as she’s home  
with the spell whatsits.  
  
He bets he can show  
the Slayer where the fun is  
in a life of crime.  
  
She could use a break.  
They’d just be two travellers,  
like Bonnie and Clyde.  
  
First stop: Michigan,  
for romantic seduction  
before the wedding.  
  
They’d take a detour  
through North Carolina, to  
tell lies at hotels.  
  
In Montana, they  
could get on someone’s lawn and  
get off and get off.  
  
They’d fuck in the car,  
of course, in New Mexico,  
New Jersey, so forth…  
  
In Massachusetts,  
he’d happily let her ride  
him into next week.  
  
And then they could go  
to Florida and engage  
in open lewdness.  
  
Swing by New Jersey  
for some illegal flirting  
in Haddon Township.  
  
The deep forests of  
Oregon would hear him mix  
worship with curses.  
  
In Colorado,  
he’d kiss her hair, softly, so  
as not to wake her.  
  
He wants to build her  
a home in Phoenix and keep  
three dildos in it.  
  
Kiss her slow and sweet  
under the Iowa sky  
as time holds its breath.  
  
In Idaho, they'd  
stroll down the street, talking, and  
hold hands all evening.  
  
Then, on to Texas,  
to buy four more dildos. Why?  
They’d think of something.  
  
In Connecticut,  
they’d just make love, in private,  
secrets of the world  
  
shining in her eyes  
as his life and death falls in-  
to place around her.  
  
Washington, DC,  
would be the time to break out  
the Kama Sutra.  
  
They’d take their toys on  
a trip to Alabama.  
Also to Georgia.  
  
He turns the page. – In  
a freezer? Doesn’t sound fun.  
Maybe they’d skip that.  
  
Her nipples would be  
all perky, though… breath catching  
in uneven puffs…  
  
Bright lamplight would gild  
her skin in Roboch, VA,  
up close, closer, his.  
  
Mississippi’s where  
he’d explain polygamy  
to Mr. Gordo  
  
while giving foot rubs  
to the only one he needs –  
the woman he loves.  
  
***  
  
The spell breaks on a  
kiss. Less “happily ever”,  
more “UGH, GET OFF ME!”  
  
Enemies again,  
by decree of nature and  
Watchers and all that.  
  
And so it must stay.  
It’s not like he’d ever dream  
of breaking the rules.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> In case you have SO MANY QUESTIONS right now, like thewiggins did: every part of Spike's honeymoon plans IS illegal somewhere in the US, allegedly, if you squint. And squint I did. Here are my sources:  
> [The Complete List of Weird Sex Laws in the U.S.A. by C. J. Anders](https://observationdeck.kinja.com/the-complete-list-of-weird-sex-laws-in-the-u-s-a-1485048155) (for Michigan, North Carolina, Florida, New Jersey, Arizona (mentioned as Phoenix in the poem), Iowa, Texas, Georgia, and Mississippi). This article sounds the most reliable to me, but who the heck knows, because even they don't cite any sources.  
> Other articles:  
> \- [Oregon, Colorado, Connecticut](https://twentytwowords.com/the-most-ridiculous-sex-laws-in-every-state/)  
> \- [Massachusetts, Idaho, Washington (DC), Alabama, the freezer thing, Roboch (Virginia)](http://klaq.com/10-states-with-ridiculous-sex-laws/)  
> \- [Montana, Mexico, New Jersey](https://www.lectlaw.com/files/fun23.htm)
> 
> Cheers! Don't do crime!
> 
> P.S. This was just for fun, and I'm pleased with it for what it is, but if you do see any obvious mistakes (did I miss a syllable again?) or something I could do better in future writings, I'm listening. And of course I bet I'd love to hear any other thoughts or reactions you might have. <3


End file.
